What Makes me a Zombie Mute Girl?

Just got back from my mammogram. UGH! I am so many years out that I don't get too worried about results. But damn, I hate hospitals. What is it?! After my first diagnosis I wanted to be a nurse. Now I turn into a complete zombie when I walk in the hospital doors. Actually I think it starts a bit before I get there. I forget where to go or how to check in. How many years have I been doing this? 

And why are hospital so freaking cold? Once again how do I not know this by now. I should of brought a jacket but it is in the 90's here. Who is thinking of a jacket. So I freeze while waiting, since I am in shorts and a short sleeve shirt. The lady at the counter brought be back. She asked if I had any perfumes, lotions, etc. I said no. She said thanks so much for following the directions. I thought I just don't wear that stuff. I didn't follow any instructions. She shows me to the changing room and tells me a bunch of other things. I am just staring off into space. Then I realize she is done talking and I haven't heard a thing she said. I felt too bad to ask her to tell me again. Especially after I just got praised for listening and following instructions. I didn't want to blow my image. ;-) I figure I can wing it. I have done this enough. 

After waiting the tech comes to get me and apologized for being late because she had to go through all my histroy. LOL. Wonder how long that is? Wonder how many patients they see that have history? She was only five minutes late. I was acutally pretty impressed she called me back that soon. She asked when my last diagnosis was. I said I didn't know. Why do I not know this? Sometimes when I can't remember I look on the blog for the dates. Crazy! She had a hard time figuring out my dates and I was no help at all. You would think these dates would be burned into my brain.

Then when we were doing the four images. I said nothing. I was just completely checked out. I kept thinking I should say something to this lady. She was so nice, chatty and super sweet. And I was just mute girl. I couldn't wait to get out of there. She asked a number of times if I was okay. All I say was yeah. Wish I would of said something nice to her. Now I feel bad. I wasn't mean but I could of been a little more pleasant. Said something other than "yeah" and "I don't remember."

I was already planning on rewarding myself with some ice cream after my mammogram. But I was too hungry and opted for fried chicken instead. Now that I am done with the chicken, I am thinking about ice cream. Maybe I will text the hubby...

Does anyoe else just space out in the hospitals? Anyone else reward themselves with food or something else after these exams? 

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You betcha!

See my new post sweetie!
Jill, Thomas like this comment
Yes yes yes! It is like I shut down and a wall comes up. You are definitely not alone 💗
Jill likes this comment
Yes, and I always want to be a “good” patient, so sometimes I forget to ask my questions when I’m being told how well I’m doing - I don’t want to burst their bubble! I hope you get the results d all clear soon! I also treat myself after appointments - fried chicken and ice cream sounds perfect😋
Jill, Kim like this comment
Who hasn't felt that way. After a while it's hard to associate positive things with the hospital. It's hard to feel at ease. Just recognizing the way you feel can help.
Jill likes this comment
Yeah, awareness is step one right?!
Sterling likes this comment
Luckily some thoughtful person set up a website for people to get support.
Think how many people you've helped.
Tyndall, Cherie like this comment
Thanks. I really just set it up for me but so glad it has helped so many. It is just so nice posting something and knowing others out there get it.
John, Cherie like this comment
Happy Birthday Jill, 3 hours early Eastern time. Have a great August the 7th day.
Thanks a ton!! Time for cake!!
Kevin likes this comment
We'll I do celebrate my clean CT Scans, seeing I never get to have a mammogram
I like to double up. Celebrate when done with the exam and then celebrate again with good results.
Kevin likes this comment
Hmm I will do that next time for sure make it a long celebratory day
Jill likes this comment
I think part of the shutting down is a self protection mechanism that at one time was helpful in blocking out information you did not want to hear. Maybe on some levels it still is helpful as an insulation.

As you said the first step in understanding any of it is awareness of it. Are you familiar with the R.A.I.N. process? Recognize, accept, investigate, nurture. You have a lot of insight, and have a very clear way of expressing your experience and feelings
Jill, Thomas like this comment
I think you are right. Some how I just stop my brain from thinking or processing any thing and just get though it. I have never heard of the rain process but I like it.
I am not sure who came up with RAIN it may be Tara Brach.. on you tube .. she is interesting... so is Ellen Langer .. both have something to say about awareness, consciousness, mindfulness
Admin likes this comment
They probably wish I was mute, lol. I'm always on "nurse point", so checking they are doing it right. I know why the OR is cold, there really is a reason, but Imaging? No good reason that I know of, unless everyone is hot flashing!
Thomas likes this comment
Too funny. Yeah I might be just over sensitive. I think I get cold flashes instead of hot flashes. And fake boobs do not keep you warm. It is like having ice packs in your chest if it gets old.
Thomas likes this comment
You're a funny one Jill; I was thinking the cold air would have female body parts respond to the cold for a better image, but when you don't have "original equipment" I doubt temperature has any effect? Don't worry about turning into a zombie at the hospital, the only thing good that usually comes out of a hospital is a brand new baby. I would say that's a compliment from the nurse as well if it's 90 degrees outside and she thinks you have perfume on and you must just be naturally sweet. Wishing you a happy birthday tomorrow and thanks for our BFAC home. MGBY, John
Thomas likes this comment
Well now you are making me laugh. and you are so right about the baby part. I remember walking by the gift shop and looking in and see all baby stuff. They are happy about the outcome.
John likes this comment
And Happy Birthday! The world sure got nicer the day you arrived!
Thanks I am dreaming about cake!
Happy Birthday beautiful Jill! And yes, your story is very relatable to many of us! Thank you for sharing 😊
Thanks a ton!!
OMG, I am laughing at your post, Jill! That is SO like me! I think my brain just wants to shut down and block out the fact that I'm at the hospital or doctor's office and why I'm there. We'll see how bad I space out today when I go see my colorectal doctor for my 10 year--yes, 10 year--follow-up! I hope you get all good news on the mammo! Hugs!
Kim likes this comment
Oh, I might add, that all I can think of is stopping at the grocery store on the way home to buy some lemon bars (my favorite) if I get good news. :) This is how I think. LOL!
Oh dang, lemon bars. That sounds amazing. I love it. 10 years that is fantastic. I hope it goes well. Keep us posted.
Smurf likes this comment
It's like having PTSD for us. I still go to the same cancer hospital for my now annual checkup and all the memories still come flooding back.

Happy birthday, Jill!
Hey Mari. Thanks for the birthday wish. Yeah, you are so right. I think I have to space out so I don't think back and start crying. That would suck.
Gosh, it's nice to know lots of other people have the same reaction. It's normal *phew* Nan's treat is lemon drizzle cake. Speaking of cake - happy birthday! Hope you have a wonderful special day *hugs* xx :*)
Aw man, lemon drizzle cake. Now that sounds amazing. I see a theme on this thread, two lemon things already. Yum, sounds so good. Have a fantastic day sweetie!
Thomas likes this comment
Thank you! thank you!
Logging on late today, but I do want to wish you a very happy birthday! Hope it's been a fabulous day for you. Cheers! Cherie
Thanks so much Cherie! I ate way too much yesterday.
PTSD for real! If I go by myself for check-ups, I always take multiple angle pictures of where I have parked and what level as I go into the twilight zone as soon as I get out of the car.
haa haa. Totally. That is me!! Glad I am not the only one.
Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Ice Cream with Gooey Marshmallow Swirls, Caramel Swirls & Fudge Fish. thats my drug of choice after tests.
Oh yeah that would be something I would totally go for. Yum!
All the time!
Jill likes this comment
Happy belated birthday Jill! I hope you had a wonderful day!
Thanks a ton Nancy!!
I'm pretty much the same at hospitals and doctor offices, except I don't shut up. I have to go this Thursday for an MRI and I hope I can shut up, my wife hopes probably more than I do. :) I never miss a meal. which isn't a good thing these days.
LOL. I love it. I wish I was the chatty one. At least people probably think ah look how nice he is chatty away. I can't skip meals either. I love food.
Self preservation.

Sending hugs.
Totally. Thanks sweetie!!
Funnily enough I had my annual mammogram yesterday at the same hospital my hubby was getting his chemo. I figured it was a good idea to take care of myself while hubby is taking care of himself. I was fine during it, but realized afterwards that hearing the news of a good friend just getting diagnosed with breast cancer after her mammo earlier in the week, really unsettled me. It’s silly, but I fear getting sick while my hubby is fighting for his life.It’s raising all sorts of hyperchondriac type thoughts that I stuff down....and then eat. I’m sure I’m fine, but I’m fearful.
Yeah it is so hard to not let the fear creep in. Now every little pain I get I think it is cancer. so annoying.
Lisa likes this comment
Jill, I start on the food before I even get there,never anything 'healthy', fried chicken sounds great to me. My problem is a bit the opposite, I talk too much. I think they're both just ways of coping with places you don't want to be or go back to again ever.
I can totally see going for the fried chicken. That would definitely make me feel better. Yeah, it is strange to see myself using these things as coping mechanisms. But if it works.
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Vital Info


August 22, 2006

Boulder, Colorado 80304

August 7, 1970

Cancer Info

Breast Cancer

September 26, 2005

Stage 1

Grade 1




I found a lump in my left breast while putting on my bra that snaps in the front. I don't think I would of found this if it wasn't for the placement of it being so close to the edge of my breast and close to the snap. I also would feel a tingling sensation in the area every now and then, sometimes it would itch a little.

I did six weeks of radiation starting on October 26, 2005. What a whirlwind those months were!

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